I'm Having A Bad Day

i dont know how to get rid of these flashbacks I try to drown them out in music and it doesn't help. the most ironic thing about this whole process is that my ex said i would forget about everything that happened to me because he would erase my memory. He was wrong I still remember everything and everyone. I remember henry, destiny, haven, beethoveen, lady, angel, tweety, bella, etc. and how they can all talk. I remember Sara, Bob, Melissa, Krista, Seth and even all their personalities, I even remember who they all body switched into. I even remember grandma...and the path she chose and why she chose it....i remember seeing  great grandma and grandma in Hyvee in different bodies...and the only reason i recognize them is from grandmas sense of smell. I remember how hard it was to walk away from them that day as they were frozen in time. I remember the clones, and the robot...everything...but when all these flashbacks occur its hard...but a part of me hopes ill never forget them...i dont want to forget my grandmas, my grandpa, my grandmas baby sister, how it was to see a polar bear, i dont want to forget my animals, or Sara, Bob, Krista, Melissa, or Seth. I WILL FORGET NOTHING OF MY PAST!

I have NO idea how to control this

I have mindless thoughts...some actually end up making sense. Others are just complete and utter nonsense that I have no clue how to make sense of. Maybe I truly am crazy...or am I just lost in my own world? I don't think I will ever figure it out...certain things just make me so mad I just hate it. Like yesterday I went to my moms; the air in the house was SO heavy and I couldn't breathe it was like I was suffocating, her house was a mess, my (nephew) he just turned two, he got burned by a cigarette in his eye of all places...the atmosphere of it all made me cringe. There was absolutely no light illuminating into the house it was dark and it felt evil. I could feel darkness all around...it was so intense I couldn't stop fidgeting. Within the thirty minutes of us being there I had to get out...there was no positive energy radiating off of anyone...and at one point I felt a strong need to wonder if something wasn't taking over my mother,but I kept it out of mind...something just felt threatening in there and I didn't like it. I was distraught and utterly angry by the whole atmosphere/environment...I wanted to confront my mother of every little thing that made me angry, but I couldn't. Hopefully, on October 10th I wont feel so much negative energy...hopefully Nate's positive energy will radiate through and I can focus on that.

Depression and PTSD is HARD shit

Well its confirmed I had my first bout of depression since almost two months ago. I miss my grandma and its getting to be a closer reminder of how much I will NEVER forget her. Every day I'm still hoping she walks through that door with her laugh and her loud mouth. I don't think I will ever come to terms with accepting the fact that she's gone...its just to damn hard...but yet its a reality I have to face each and every year on November 9th and March 14th. On top of this depression I had major flashbacks of my past to the point where I didn't want to come to the realization that I have to work hard to get to a certain point in my life for that goal to be achieved, when this should have already been somewhat accomplished when I was in my teens. Now I have to start from scratch again and hope to get somewhere. I hated having my flashbacks and depression its not me...but yet it is...but how do I control such an uncontrollable amount of anger? It was like I didn't even know who I was, but yet I was doing it...and I didn't know how to stop. I bit my boyfriend and got extremely angry at my boyfriend and my dad when they were only trying to help me realize a reality that my depression and PTSD couldn't comprehend lord help me. I don't want to be THAT angry EVER again.

Heartbreaks can heal its mind over matter

I've had two strong relationships within my lifetime I won't mention names...and by strong I mean each one was powerful in different ways... The first nameless guy I believe truly did love me in the beginning... But my love just wasn't enough for him anymore... And he literally walked out of my life...you would think that was the hardest thing for me...and it literally was I was completely numb...I didn't know what I did wrong...where to turn. I wasn't even sure I knew how to breathe we had a happy wonderful day one morning...and a crappy one the next...and that same day he's gone with no explanation. The other relationship I had was healing me...but it was healing me the wrong way and I wasn't aware...he didn't leave yet...got forced to end the relationship... And I think that was the hardest thing for me to go through because I am not the type of person to push people away...as I'm writing this its hard...but I'd rather write than have bottled jumbled up feelings. I'm currently in a relationship with an amazing guy now and I think a lot of him. I even love him...he's different he cherishes me, helps me, cares for me, and even loves me more than I love myself. Which is amazing because I don't know what to do with my life half the time. When he's not around I shut down...in a way where I'm not even sure anyone notices. This guy right now is LITERALLY MY LIFE! without the privilege of knowing such a wonderful man I'd probably be dead...my heart hurts so much all the time, but for that moment when he's around me time literally stands still and for just that moment my heart heals. My heart is healing little by little each and every moment... but my heart will never forget the pain and hurt that surrounded me. At least when he's around I feel safe enough to cry and he's there to hold me even if I blubber like a baby...I can only hope with EVERYTHING I HAVE LEFT...that he will always be there...otherwise there is no doubt in my mind that I will break for the last time. I always have one thing in mind to help me through the inevitable: heartbreaks can heal its mind over matter.

My life has done a complete 360 in a good way! :)

I went from being in utter darkness to being in a complete light. I was 19 at the time I made mistakes...why? Because I felt I lost everything and I literally had. I lost my grandma.... But I had to act like she didn't mean nothing to me...which is something I couldn't do. Living with my mom I wasn't allowed to have feelings let alone express myself. If I at one point ever attempted to do so in her eyes it was considered "unsatisfactory" who knew?

When I was a child I looked at my mother thinking "I wanna be just like my mommy." Now I look back and ask my past self what the hell I was thinking, but as a child my mom was EVERYTHING and I couldn't live my life without her. After all what child would ever think of her mother as being such an ungrateful person? I mean, she bore me and from her perspective went through hell to have me....but why did she have to put me in a life where I didn't matter? If I didn't matter why didn't she just abort me after all I would've been so much better off...this was my thoughts at 19.

This is my thoughts now:
I live with my dad....yeah not everything is ideal but he loves me...and I finally TRULY matter to someone in a good way. I had enough courage to be rid of my ex....I have the privilege of looking at myself in the morning everyday and realizing that I am ME...and that who I am now is who I am supposed to be and I'm not something people can just create or characterize me out to be.

I struggled in college and with the thought of being on my own...and not knowing where to turn or let alone who to turn to and who I can trust....now I know all the answers to my misconceptions... Even though it's hard to get through and watch. A part of my family has always been there for me when the other half wasn't. Here is something I had to learn in the hardest way(s) possible. The people that have constantly watched you grow end up being the most distant...and the people who haven't seen you grow end up being the most privileged to be there for you.

I haven't seen my dad in 9 years...my dad took me and my horrible ex in with no question or complaints. My dad lets me makes my own decisions and assumptions on how I should control my life...but yet if I fall into an inquisition he will be there to guide me. My mom on the other hand is the complete opposite of all this considering it in this one concept. It's her way or no way at all.

My dad and I are like "two peas in a pod" so to speak because inconsequentially we see ourselves within a bigger picture of life. Since I've been living with my dad I have been going to psychological therapy once every two weeks and physical therapy every week twice a week. I've also gotten back on the program that my mom got me terminated from and am now starting completely fresh with my life. I am hoping to move out on my own soon and attend Wayne State College for journalism.

I have a new boyfriend who treats me like a queen. He takes me places and buys me things which I am DEFINITELY not used to, and I don't think I will ever get used to the concept of a man doing things for me let alone without a complaint mind you. I also have my cat Milo whom I adore very much and wouldn't trade him for anything. My life is finally full of profound happiness and I wouldn't trade my choices (even though they ended up bad in some perspectives) for anything because in the long run the end result I got out of all this was the best thing that could've ever happened to me.

My new life in the making

I realize that this was supposed to be for school purposes. I also realize that the purpose of us learning how to use this was for a helpful benefit in our lives. Well now I finally have an excuse to use this blogging site again. I'm going to help people. I don't care who reads this and who doesn't, and I also don't care if you want to ask me questions about things. I will be here to help. I'm writing this blog to inform people of what I went through in the hopes that no one else goes through the same pain and terror I went through.

I dated this man for almost 11 months...mind you my 11 months I spent with this man were completely wasted but at that time I didn't care. I was tired of being depressed and sad and sulking in my own suffocated misery. I met him and thought my life would be brighter but instead it was the complete opposite I got abused emotionally, physically, and mentally. And not only that but I felt like I was drowning deeper in darkness and I was so far in it that I couldn't find a way out.

If I tried leaving him I would either get threatened or abused. My thoughts were no longer my thoughts instead they became his. I trusted no one except him at the time because he made me feel trapped in his world of terror. And I didn't dare try finding a way out because I didn't know how to face it. Even though I'm an intelligently strong woman at this time I was so taken with the fact that this was how I deserved to be loved that I shut myself down.

I no longer had my own opinion on anything. He was the marionette and I was his puppet. I still don't understand what made me sink that low within myself probably because I was completely terrified of the possibilities of what he could do...rather than facing the fact of the things he couldn't do. I hated the fact that I had to love this man. Even though I had realized for some time that I never really did. And since I could no longer voice myself my thoughts, feelings, and opinions had become inevitability numb.

Why did God do this to me? How did it come to this? Who am I? Do I even exist? These were the questions I asked God on a daily basis.... My answer I got from him was that he does love me, I am HIS child, and yes he believes in me just like I believe in him because if he didn't... I wouldn't have been able to trust in him and be where I am today. I am a survivor of abuse and PTSD, I also used to try to self harm I don't anymore.

Please don't be afraid to talk to me I am here to help!